I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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