i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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