Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
