Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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