then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
