Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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