I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
