I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
