she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize