Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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