I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
