a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
