Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
