she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
