Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel like abortions should bother me more
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
