My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
