there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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