It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
