when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
