I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
