I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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