no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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