how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
