Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
