your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
