I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
