theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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