i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
