ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
