I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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