oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My cat gives me a boner
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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