Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
