could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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