wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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