Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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