Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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