So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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