So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
