Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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