I hate your face
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dear god my vagina.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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