Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
