a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
