If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
