Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
