she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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