He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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