you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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