His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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