the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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