i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
