I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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