Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
