Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize