Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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