This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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