he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
my liver is dry heaving
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
